From the “studio” that brought us Transmorphers and Transmorphers 2: Fall of Man comes……the only movie smart enough to have it’s title be a Twitter reference. I wonder if it was ever trending. Wait, they took the # out of the title? That sucks. Regardless, I have faith this movie will be really scary.
There were i think 10 trailers for Asylum movies. That seemed a bit much, none of them seemed all that great.
Our movie starts off with an old timey car pulling up to an old timey hospital. It seems this hospital also does executions. Seems about right. Since the witnesses to this execution must have been seat fillers, they give us some expository lines telling us what the killer did. Good thing everyone was brought up to speed like that.
And since this is a low budget horror movie execution, I have faith it will go off without a hitch, and all the nurses and orderlies they pulled off the floor to witness it will be able to go back to practicing old timey medicine.
Damn, instead the killer attacks and kills one of the guards and rips his eye out. Surely this will stop the execution and there will be a new trial for killing the guard. Maybe this is a taut legal drama.
Wrong again, the execution continues. My notes indicated there was a lot of foaming. I watched this months ago, so I’ll trust my notes to be accurate.
Now we go to the present day, in some unnamed city with the attractive people who will comprise our main cast. I have never heard of any of them. One of them appears to be called Kyle, and somehow cell phones get locked up and they might as well throw the key away now, because you know they’re going to lose it at some point. Imagine that, losing a bunch of phones that wont be able to not have battery life or service at a crucial point in the film.
My notes tell me they’re in Los Angeles.
Hilarity ensues as the kids reminisce about the time Heath shot some woman in the neck with a paper clip. If this movie is just people remembering things and having others confirm that these events actually did happen, that would be awesome.
Movie trope number 2: The stoner.
Oh, movie trope #1 was the cell phone situation from earlier.
Now, apparently it’s a very well known and serious thing that you have to hold your breath when you pass a graveyard. You haven’t heard of it ? Neither do the characters in this movie.
It seems the stoner fellow inhaled a ghost.
Why do people in movies go camping? When was the last successful camping trip?
Where are these people? They left Los Angeles, and now they’re god knows where. How long have they been driving?
Movie trope #4: horny kids
Movie trope #3 was the camping.
(No, I don’t know why I don’t just re-number them.)
These rocket scientists decide to saunter in to the abandoned hospital…or asylum..you know, the place earlier with the execution happened.
Hey, the police are here. No, it’s a mechanic. No, I think it’s a park ranger. I think we’ll just go with that.
Some good old-fashioned eye violence. He was attacked by a bong wielding ghost possessed person.
Slanted camera angles make me miss Battlefield Earth.
These people really seem to know an awful lot about this building, good for them to keep up on their history of old asylums in the middle of nowhere.
Hot jumper cable action with the park ranger who apparently is not dead.
This is not a well acted or written movie. Don’t believe me? Fine, I present this example from our friend the park ranger.
“You freakin freak”
I rest my case.
People are having sex in the mourge, which I would think loses some of the mystique doing it in the middle of the day.
At this point the movie isnt even 30 minutes old…Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?
Now we get to the real conflict in the movie. Bickering about various chairs and who should sit in them and for how long.
They’re still going on about the chair. This movie should have been called #chairbickering.
Apologies, by now my notes seemed to focus entirely on chairs and chair related items..
It should be noted that at this point, who these people are and what they’re doing isn’t quite clear.
The passage of time is also something that was never made clear. How long these people take in doing things is not established.
They take time from their chair discussion to resume the pressing issue of whether or not to hold your breath passing a graveyard.
Later on we meet a guard who worked at the asylum/hospital during the execution and we are told all about what’s been going on and these people just don’t get it. This movie was so poorly made that my notes, which were pretty good make no sense. We’re going to fast forward past the genius plan to have a fight between people who are possessed and skip right to the “twist” ending of someone still being possessed and killing someone else.
So, there you have it. The movie that dares to broach the subject of sitting on electric chairs and how much sex one gets as a result of said chair sitting. I would not recommend this film.
Until next time.
The B- Movie & TV Project 