….Last time  on Sliders.  Well, technically it was the same time since the pilot aired as one long episode. But let’s play along anyway. Good.

Anyway, our intrepid group of Sliders  slid, and  found their way on to an alternate Earth, but  we didn’t see Quinn and everyone and by that I mean Wade Wells was sad.

Alternate Earth or not, Rembrandt has an anthem to butcher….I mean sing. He can’t make it to 3Com Park since his car was ruined when it was sucked up by the wormhole.

Being without a car, he hails a cab after the others all split off.

Our first glimpse that something is amiss is the statue of Lincoln was replaced by one of Lenin. Wait, that might not be such a big deal considering our story takes place in San Francisco.

Wade, who had previously expressed a desire to call home now builds up the courage to act on it.

Unfortunately she uses PT&T, and they come after her.

At this time the anthem plays and we know we’re not on our Earth as people pay attention to it.

The Giants are playing the Reds. Get it ? In all honesty I didn’t until just recently.

A mishap with Rembrandt giving the cabbie U.S. currency for the toll leads us to maybe the most awesome alternate history bit when we get introduced to The People’s Court starring Commissar Wapner.

Meanwhile, Arturo has a hankering for some food so he buys a pretzel. He also uses U.S. currency, but he’s lucky enough to meet a member of the underground.

It’s the resistance who provides the sliders and us with back-story. Basically this world had the Domino Theory in reverse. Pretty cool.

While we were being given all that back-story, Rembrandt is interrogated by Ross J Kelly. For more on him, check out the review of the first half of the pilot. I’ll wait right here…

Good, and the KGB is astounded that Rembrandt remembers Kelly. Say what you will, those were some effective commercials.

By this time we’ve been introduced to or heard about everyone’s doubles.

Wade: Her double is a resistance fighter and lover of 24’s Roger Cross. She is currently awaiting punishment at the same place Rembrandt is being held.

Arturo: He is the citizen general in charge of the afore-mentioned prison which used to be a university

Rembrandt: His double was killed in the Detroit uprising, which I remembered without my notes. Yay.

Quinn: ??? Apparently none of our business.

A daring plan using Arturo pretending to be his double works….sort of but then there’s gun play which results in Double Wade being killed and everyone is sad.

Rembrandt sings Amazing Grace, quite well actually and the four are reunited and the timer having been fixed, they’re on the way home. And not to spoil things but they get home and never have any slide related mishaps.

They have a deep discussion about to do with the timer, when Quinn’s father shows up and we know we’re not home and the adventure will continue, and since it aired on Fox, the adventures will be shown out-of-order and not make much sense sometimes. Thanks to the DVD release the episodes are in order and that’s how they’ll be reviewed.

Until next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note: I just found this after posting it somewhere else.Sadly, the Kickstarter did not get Twilight riffed on, we’ll have to “settle” for Starship Troopers  

First off, This has to happen!

Woo hoo, finally a reason to see a Twilight film if you’re someone other than a a 14 year old girl…

Note: There will be some seasons of some shows that I just will not touch, I’m talking to you, Sliders  seasons 2-5.

All housekeeping aside, I had planned to kick things off with a scathing review #HoldYourBreath, but I haven’t watched it, so I can’t fairly review it, so I’m thinking of doing the first episode of the greatest series of the 1990’s, wait that needs some clarifying…It’s the greatest alternate reality show of the 1990’s. There, that’s seems more accurate. I am talking about…..


Incase you havent heard of Sliders, and that’s entirely possible considering it aired on FOX, and as per usual, was cancelled really quickly, and aired out of order in some cases. Following it’s run on FOX, it limped over to Sci-Fi where it would die a slow, low budgeted death. Before that, there would be really good episodes, mainly in the first season, and logically, that’s where we’ll start with the Pilot.

Air Date: 3/22/95

The show starts off with “Somewhere In a San Francisco Basement”. Normally, no good would come of that locale. We know we’re in San Francisco, because Quinn Mallory is shown wearing a San Jose Sharks Jersey in a video diary. This was when their teal color scheme was all the rage. After panning through his room, complete with 49ers hat, as we are in San Francisco, hmm no Giants or Warriors or A’s stuff that I saw…interesting.

Quinn’s mother provides backstory, telling us that his father worked himself to death, and he races off to school, late for a class with Professor Arturo, who as we will find out, is somewhat of a blowhard, but Quinn seems to like him, having read all his books, he’s smart you see.

After this, we whisk to the computer store where Quinn works along with his friend Wade Wells, who has managed to score some hockey tickets.

In walks Mr. Computer boy, I dont think was his actual name, if it was, he’s in the right profession as the manager of a computer store. Coming home, Quinn encounters what will be, and this can not be understated, the most important thing ever, the squeaky gate at home. Trust me, it comes up… a lot more than a squeaky gate should, which is probably like once, twice if you’re the lazy sort.

Our first slide! Mazel tov. The first difference he notices, is that on this Earth, greens means stop. He seems to discount an awful lot of clues that he’s not home. The Elvis billboard finally gets the point across, but even more so, that gate didn’t squeak. That gets a bigger reaction from him than anything else, even more than seeing his mom pregnant with the gardner’s child, which I guess there’d be time for, since the gardner has finally fixed the squeaky gate.

Quinn giddily hugs everyone after his return, then gads off to school to share in his wonder with Prof. Aturo, who was really mad at Quinn for something he doesn’t remember doing.

After this….off to the computer store, where we find out Quinn was fired for telling off the manager, and he apparently kissed Wade…(cue soap opera music)

Ross J Kelley will fight for you, incase you weren’t sure about that, apparently he specializes in injuries that would only happen to people in cartoons

Egad! someone has drawn a smiley face on Quinn’s blackboard of fancy science type equations. The other Quinn explains the show’s premise, and title. He’ll go on to explain some plot point that I think was pretty important, but nobody hears it because of some noise.

Wade and Arturo, I guess they just show up at the Mallory house, and after they exchange pleasantries with Mrs. Mallory we finally get to see The Spinning Tops, and more importantly, Cryin’ Man Rembrant Brown who is making his big comeback by singing the national anthem at a Giants game, not singing for the queen if you wondering. Since it’s the 90’s, Rembrant’s apparently solid gold tux is festooned with ribbons…ha!

To the basement, where Arturo is really impressed with the smiley face on the board, which he expresses in ignoring it totally by raving about the equations before it.

Quinn says it gets a lot better, which you’d think is like 2 or 3 smiley faces, but instead he opens up a wormhole and says he doesn’t have a dog.

While this is going on, the apparently delusional Rembrant is practicing his butchering of the national anthem.

In a crucial move, Quinn increases the power of the timer, irking his mother who was chopping carrots, but also getting Rembrant and his Cadillac sucked into the wormhole where they land on a really cold (brrrr) San Francisco, which as I remember it, isn’t that much of a step down from regular San Francisco.

Is Sliding better than sex? Wade thinks so, while Arturo is more measured. Thus we witness the start of a debate that would rage on…Oh, nope, they never mention it again, but they do look at a picture, so there’s that.

The way he goes on, you’d think Rembrant was singing for the Queen, but there bickering is interrupted by the approach of a SyFy movie, as an ice twister heads their way, forcing their hands in using the timer before it runs out.

Why does he never put the wormholes in an easily accessible place, here it’s in the sky and everyone has to jump for it.

Through the wormhole they go, ending with the first of many scene of people falling on each other.

Cliffhanger!!!! Nobody sees Quinn and Wade is sad…

We’ll find out what happens to Quinn on the next episode, titled “Pilot:Part 2”

Now, while Sliders hasn’t exactly aged well in the near 20 years since it first aired as far as the effects, which would go downhill later on, the premise is great, and holds up well. It was when the show started to mimic popular movies, did it lose me, but we’ll get to that…maybe… Until next time, when we travel through the wormhole and land face first in

“Pilot: part 2”

#HoldYourBreath

Posted: May 24, 2013 in Uncategorized
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From the “studio” that brought us Transmorphers and Transmorphers 2: Fall of Man comes……the only movie smart enough to have it’s title be a Twitter reference. I wonder if it was ever trending. Wait, they took the # out of the title? That sucks. Regardless, I have faith this movie will be really scary.

There were i think 10 trailers for Asylum movies. That seemed a bit much, none of them seemed all that great.

Our movie starts off with an old timey car pulling up to an old timey hospital. It seems this hospital also does executions. Seems about right. Since the witnesses to this execution must have been seat fillers, they give us some expository lines telling us what the killer did. Good thing everyone was brought up to speed like that.

And since this is a low budget horror movie execution, I have faith it will go off without a hitch, and all the nurses and orderlies they pulled off the floor to witness it will be able to go back to practicing old timey medicine.

Damn, instead the killer attacks and kills one of the guards and rips his eye out. Surely this will stop the execution and there will be a new trial for killing the guard. Maybe this is a taut legal drama.

Wrong again, the execution continues. My notes indicated there was a lot of foaming. I watched this months ago, so I’ll trust my notes to be accurate.

Now we go to the present day, in some unnamed city with the attractive people who will comprise our main cast. I have never heard of any of them. One of them appears to be called Kyle, and somehow cell phones get locked up and they might as well throw the key away now, because you know they’re going to lose it at some point. Imagine that, losing a bunch of phones that wont be able to not have battery life or service at a crucial point in the film.

My notes tell me they’re in Los Angeles.

Hilarity ensues as the kids reminisce about the time Heath shot some woman in the neck with a paper clip. If this movie is just people remembering things and having others confirm that these events actually did happen, that would be awesome.

Movie trope number 2: The stoner.

Oh, movie trope #1 was the cell phone situation from earlier.

Now, apparently it’s a very well known and serious thing that you have to hold your breath when you pass a graveyard. You haven’t heard of it ? Neither do the characters in this movie.

It seems the stoner fellow inhaled a ghost.

Why do people in movies go camping? When was the last successful camping trip?

Where are these people? They left Los Angeles, and now they’re god knows where. How long have they been driving?

Movie trope #4: horny kids

Movie trope #3 was the camping.

(No, I don’t know why I don’t just re-number them.)

These rocket scientists decide to saunter in to the abandoned hospital…or asylum..you know, the place earlier with the execution happened.

Hey, the police are here. No, it’s a mechanic. No, I think it’s a park ranger. I think we’ll just go with that.

Some good old-fashioned eye violence. He was attacked by a bong wielding ghost possessed person.

Slanted camera angles make me miss Battlefield Earth.

These people really seem to know an awful lot about this building, good for them to keep up on their history of old asylums in the middle of nowhere.

Hot jumper cable action with the park ranger who apparently is not dead.

This is not a well acted or written movie. Don’t believe me? Fine, I present this example from our friend the park ranger.

“You freakin freak”

I rest my case.

People are having sex in the mourge, which I would think loses some of the mystique doing it in the middle of the day.

At this point the movie isnt even 30 minutes old…Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?

Now we get to the real conflict in the movie. Bickering about various chairs and who should sit in them and for how long.

They’re still going on about the chair. This movie should have been called #chairbickering.

Apologies, by now my notes seemed to focus entirely on chairs and chair related items..

It should be noted that at this point, who these people are and what they’re doing isn’t quite clear.

The passage of time is also something that was never made clear. How long these people take in doing things is not established.

They take time from their chair discussion to resume the pressing issue of whether or not to hold your breath passing a graveyard.

Later on we meet a guard who worked at the asylum/hospital during the execution and we are told all about what’s been going on and these people just don’t get it. This movie was so poorly made that my notes, which were pretty good make no sense. We’re going to fast forward past the genius plan to have a fight between people who are possessed and skip right to the “twist” ending of someone still being possessed and killing someone else.

So, there you have it. The movie that dares to broach the subject of sitting on electric chairs and how much sex one gets as a result of said chair sitting. I would not recommend this film.

Until next time.